I want my hair to be long because it's always been me. I want my hair to be short because I'd like it curving around the shape of my skull. I want to dress up like a boy and look dapper. I want to be in lust for the rest of my life. I want to be sure enough of myself to say, "I'll love you forever, and I'll never want it any other way." I don't want to miss out on anything. I don't want to ruin anything. I want clothes. I want pictures of myself. I want to crawl into Caitlin's skull and know what she's thinking. I want to be hypersensitive for the rest of my life. I want to not betray what I thought was right, but I think different things are right now. I want to create everything that runs around in my brain. I want to grow up, but stay young. I want to go to New York, but I don't want to leave. I want to be able to manage everything in my life. I don't want to be scared. I want to be able to not hide a single thing about myself. I want to never lose perspective. I want to be able to tell Katie why what she did was bad. I also want to forget about people who aren't worth my time. I want to stop all my goddamn envy and bitterness. I want to stop being a cliche.