I was on the beach. It was on the East End, but it was like Crescent Beach. I was with my family and other people (maybe just one other person). Some things happened, like stealing and hiding in trash cans, and other fuzzy strange events. Eventually, Caitlin showed up, and I remember everything clearly after that. When we were with others we just said "hi" and all. Eventually, they left us alone, and I hugged her like I never have because I had missed her so much. I held her to me forever and kissed her neck. We eventually broke apart and starting climbing rocks on the far end of the beach. We go to a very high ledge that was hidden from everyone. I kissed her, but I think she told me to stop because we were too public anyway. Though we were invisible, there we people climbing the rocks everywhere.
Then she pointed down to the water far below and said the seals were playing. I jumped up, so excited, because I've wanted to see wild seals ever since Kate and I saw the sign at Kettle Cove that said "don't feed the seal pups." I saw some disturbances in the water, but I wasn't convinced they were seals; they seemed more like water bugs. Then, I realized the ripples were coming from the tops of their heads briefly breaking the surface. They grew bolder, whole heads coming out of the water, and finally whole bodies, jumping and swimming. One climbed on a rock and I saw it was a sea lion as big as a person. I was so excited.
But it was just beginning. The water became more disturbed. I thought it was more seals, but no; sperm whales roared into the shallow water. Four of them beached themselves on shore, tails facing the beach and heads facing the ocean, before simultaneously rocketing off into the water like bullets, shaking the earth after them.
This dream felt utterly real. I can't even explain what I was feeling. Just imagine you were there.
I made Caitlin climb down the rocks, to where the sea lions had been playing. We were under a rocky overhang that opened to the ocean on one side and the beach on the other. The water was churning. Orca whales were swimming and jumping all around us. One of them came up on the rock next to me. I was terrified, because I knew that it wasn't like a sperm whale, that it would kill me if it felt like it. I walked up and touched it anyway. It grew large, rearing up, and I thought I was going to end, but it sank back into the water.
"Look!" I pointed to the huge waves near us. Inside the water, hundreds of killer whales were swimming away, away, back into the ocean as the sun set behind us.
It was over. We went back to the beach. I was indescribably happy. I asked a life guard if this happened every night; he said it did. I can't explain the excitement I felt to know that I could see this again and again and again.
There was more to the dream, but it was all in the shadow of my memory of how Caitlin and I had spent the evening. Often when I wake up from a happy dream I'm sad because it's over and I'll never have it again. This one is different. It's so vivid it feels like an actual experience. I'll never be able to see it again, but I'll always remember it, and I'm so happy she was there.
So, I graduated. I'm glad. The longer I stayed in that school, the more the awful people seemed to make their presence known. Now, I never have to see them again, and I don't have to cry over their dumbass antics.
I don't really feel a huge sense of closure. I do feel that I've left high school behind. I have no moments of thinking idly I'll be there next year. New York is on my brain. It's beautiful and exciting. Also, terrifying.
And good god, I'm in love. Last summer, I said many times it was the best summer of my life-- and I said this even though I was up and down and going crazy with fear and the newness of it and not really telling anyone what was going on in my head. My memory of saying the summer was amazing is the only reminder I have that she makes me particularly happy; I can't distinctly remember not feeling like this for my whole life. It's stunning to be made happy by another person. It's even more incredible to make another person happy. I make her so happy that people actually comment on it-- actually fucking tell her that she's so optimistic these days, that she seems to have "blossomed" this year.
Today I spent all day with her, and she asked me when she could see me tomorrow.
My love isn't "pure." Cheesy phrasing, but it's all I've got. It's mixed with doubt, guilt, regret, fear, and uncertainty. But however much I doubt myself, I really am in love with her.
Tomorrow is my birthday. Eighteen, motherfuckers. And I have friends and I like myself most of the time and I'm in love and I'm on the edge of New York. I've grown up well. Thank god.
I had a dream last night about flying. It was in a city I go to a lot in my dreams. It looks a bit like Paris, but it's pretty empty. Flying was a bit difficult. I had to run and jump, sometimes from a height. In part of my dream, I went to Ty's house (though it looked more like my aunt's place in India than her house). Cecil was lounging on a mattress on the floor, naked. I had interrupted, but nobody cared. Cecil was smoking what appeared to be incense. The television was on. In another part of the dream, I was in the rural area I go to a lot in my dreams. I associate it with South Portland, but it tends to combine with Gorham. Caitlin was there in some parts, but it's all fading.
Yesterday, I went to Caitlin's place and we gardened with her mom. We've been planning a vegetable garden for a long time, and it's all planted now. It looks lovely. Then, we went shopping. Her mom bought me underwear so she could get the 5 for $25 deal. Then I went with them to buy a vacuum cleaner. I can barely type this with a straight face. Then I ate dinner with them all and we watched the Chuck finale. What an absurd show.
I went home feeling elated and fuzzy and mushy. I had been there for eleven hours, heh.
Everyone should read Y The Last Man.
Wish I could sleep in more easily.
At school, we're doing marching practice. It is torture.
For English class, I had to do a senior memory book. If you'd like to check it out, it's http://shantiisasenior.tumblr.com
I like it a lot. :)
I also have a tumblr for my regular stuff. http://theoceanic.tumblr.com
. I'm not ditching this place, though. I just like having two blogs. :)
It feels like summer. For the last week I've been doing my senior internship at Planned Parenthood instead of going to school. I'm going to have to fudge the hours, since I have to get in 40. I'll get 30 at least...and I did a lot of work. If I was a worse worker it would have taken me longer!
Kc is interning there too. Today our supervisor is out of the office, so we're going to work on the Promenade. It'll be lovely because it's so warm and nice.
Queer prom is on Friday. It's a masquerade, so I have to go buy a blank mask. Or maybe it would be possible to make one at at home, since I'm cheap. Hm. I bought boy clothes at H&M for it. I'm going to look sexy, if I do say so myself. Also, if I may flatter myself again, Caitlin and I were the most beautiful couple at my school's prom, hands down.
I work at Cinemagic these days. I actually like it. Hopefully I'll get more hours and have time to be present during those hours as the summer goes on. I like money. When school lets out for really reals, I'll be busy for a little while. Graduation is June 6th. The week after that I'll be leaving to go to Toronto for my sister's graduation. Today is the awards ceremony at my school. I got magna cum laude, so that's an accomplishment. My parents think I'm in the top ten of my class. Heh...I hope it's not a disappointment.
I started watching White Collar
. It's enjoyable. Fringe
, though, is literally the most fucking awesome thing I have ever seen. Yesterday Marissa and I were on the beach and I had a 60-second freak out about it where I literally just chattered without stopping about its amazingness. It's just so good.
Love you all. <3
Queer is such a nice thing. But do I like it because I like the idea of being a victim and a rebel? Hopefully not completely. I’m pretty sure it’s not completely. I’m sure a lot of people feel that way. That’s why I can’t usually take queer politics seriously. Not that I don’t believe othering exists, not that I don’t believe there is a big bad machine. I just mostly believe that people are people, and it’s going to be like that forever.
I think straight people can be queer too. I feel like most people are queer. This is where the big bad machine comes in: it snuffs the queer out of people. People are afraid to admit their queerness. Why do I think this? It’s gotta be my own ignorant perspective. It’s just like everyone’s parents saying they don’t believe in bisexuals. Well, I don’t believe that the majority of people are 100% gay or 100% straight, and for the simple reason that I cannot imagine it. From my own perspective. As a queer too queer to figure my queer self out. But I still believe it. I just won’t really act on that belief, fully, because disrespecting identities is a dick move.
So what does queer mean to me? Maybe, self-examination. Acknowledgement that you can’t fully label yourself. That someday, your brain and your heart and your crotch are going to pull a fast one and suddenly you’re going to say, “Hey, that is one cute lesbian,” and realize you’re looking at a boy.
I want my hair to be long because it's always been me. I want my hair to be short because I'd like it curving around the shape of my skull. I want to dress up like a boy and look dapper. I want to be in lust for the rest of my life. I want to be sure enough of myself to say, "I'll love you forever, and I'll never want it any other way." I don't want to miss out on anything. I don't want to ruin anything. I want clothes. I want pictures of myself. I want to crawl into Caitlin's skull and know what she's thinking. I want to be hypersensitive for the rest of my life. I want to not betray what I thought was right, but I think different things are right now. I want to create everything that runs around in my brain. I want to grow up, but stay young. I want to go to New York, but I don't want to leave. I want to be able to manage everything in my life. I don't want to be scared. I want to be able to not hide a single thing about myself. I want to never lose perspective. I want to be able to tell Katie why what she did was bad. I also want to forget about people who aren't worth my time. I want to stop all my goddamn envy and bitterness. I want to stop being a cliche.
So many things to sayyyy. But none of them important or interesting. Relatable, perhaps. I need to make some art.
I had a terrible nightmare. Friends and I were kidnapped by a murderer. At times, it was just one other person and me trapped in his house; sometimes that person was Caitlin. It could have been Caitlin all the time, but I am only really sure for some parts. I believe we were all in his house because of some sort of exchange program, or were sleeping over for prom, or some such thing. Either way, my parents weren't expecting me home until the next day and I couldn't get to a phone. The house was in the same suburban area all my suburban house dreams are. At one point during the night, a little girl peered in through the sliding glass door that looked into the kitchen. Some other person, the kidnapper, and I were there. He killed the girl with an axe. We didn't watch. Then, he had us go to the room where everyone else was sleeping. I somehow got ahold on my phone. Then I sort of woke up for a while, but I really wanted to finish the dream, and it was 5:30 anyway, and my internship doesn't start until 11. So I went back to sleep. Back in the dream, I hid my phone. Somehow we got to another area, with two different kidnappers. Same neighboorhood, I think. I couldn't get alone to use my phone. At some point we all started destroying things, like the basketball hoop. They tried to get us to stop. I'm not too clear on that whole part. So I found a neighbor and begged him to call 911. He did, and told me that help was on the way, but it became clear to me that he was lying, and in league with the kidnappers. I somehow called 911 myself, and Caitlin and I both ran and hid. I whispered into the phone that we were on Acadia Street, and the woman said that help was coming. I thought, we only have to hide for a few minutes, and then the police will be here. The kidnappers were very close behind us as we were running, but we caught a glimpse of a list of all of the kids who had been kidnapped laying in the grass. The kidnappers ran past us, and I tried to get Caitlin to come with me and run away, but she said, "We have to go get the list." The list was for some reason the only way we could save the rest of the kids. So we raced back. The kidnappers saw us and followed. We were far enough ahead that we could be out of sight long enough for me to stuff the list in my pants and continue running towards another sheet of paper that was blowing in the wind, making the kidnappers think that was the real list. We got it, and the kidnappers caught up, and it was only a paper towel. I'm a little fuzzy on this part, too, but we were looking through other papers to try to find it, and I was thinking about school. I remember thinking these were pretty inept kidnappers. I think they were so bad because I was sleeping lightly, so I could control the dream a little. But anyway, Caitlin and I ran again, to a house, and banged on the door. One of the house owners came home. He was tall, with curly dark hair. He had a strange voice and a very nice car. We begged him to let us in, please, these horrible men were right behind us. He let us in. I trusted him. The kidnappers were prowling the house right outside. Through this whole time it was sort of a cloudy twilight. I didn't know why the cops weren't there yet. Inside, I used my phone to call 911 again and again, but it kept failing. I couldn't get through. When I finally did, I could barely here the woman on the phone through the static, and she said that all of the cops were busy that night. On a Monday? wondered the man who had helped us. His wife and two sons were home. One of his sons was very scared. The kidnappers had been on the news, and he didn't want to get kidnapped. I think at some point I hugged Caitlin. I called my parents, finally, and begged them to come get me on Acadia Street. I think I woke up then.
I’m waiting for Caitlin to be done with her homework and get back online for a little while. Tomorrow is my very last day of high school classes. Afterwards I have my internship and marching practice until June 6 graduation, but it is still a pretty damn significant moment in my life. I’m not feeling it yet.